fpuk69's blog

I have just got Posterous for my iPhone.

You do realise don't you that that now means I am going to update my blog SHEER more?

The only reason I don't update it as much is because I can't reveal what I'm actually thinking about because it will give it away.

Anyway today I am going to pick up some Christmas presents which should be fun. Well up for Christmas.

I will never forget what happened to me when I was trick or treating once years ago. 

I was about 13 - or maybe 14 - at the time and with these two girls dressed as tarty witches. Anyway, we were slowly making our way down Elwill Way round Park Langley in Beckenham. I can't remember what I had on but know I was shitting it because this bloke from my school who hated me lived only in the next road and was bound to be out Ghostbusting (that's basically where instead of trick-or-treating yourself, you wait for kids who are out without their parents, beat them up and nick all their sweets and money - fucking well out of order) and I was terrified I was going to run into him. What's worse, he'd just started hanging around with this other complete prick who'd just started at our school who also hated me so they were bound to be out together.

Anyway, me and the girls were making our way along Elwill way: I don't know if you've ever been down that road in Beckenham but about half way down it there are four banks of trees in a line in the middle of the road; this meant it was very dark and we could barely see anything - but this didn't deter the girls from knocking at every house, having to explain to most of the elderly residents who they were, what they wanted and basically what trick-or-treating was.

After a while, we came to this one house with a really, really dark driveway where you just couldn't see a thing. I tried to persuade the girls that there was nobody home, but they hadn't done that well so far that night and were determined to get some chocolate; so, ignoring my warning they strutted up the crazy-paved driveway (in four inch heels no less) and audaciously rang the doorbell (while I hid in the trees in the middle of the road).

"Hello?" came a strange voice from the overhanging window above the front door.

"Trick or treat!" shouted the girls together.

There was something very strange about this voice I remember; I thought at the time maybe they had woken somebody up but it was only about a quarter to nine.

"Oh," said the voice. "I don't know what to do."

It was at this point the girls started explaining how trick-or-treating worked for the 17th time that night when I realised what was wrong with the voice...

Before I had a chance to say anything, a car went past between where I was standing among the trees in the middle of the road and where the girls were standing on this persons pitch black driveway, right beneath the overhanging window.

The headlights lit up the whole driveway for a couple of seconds: long enough for me to see that it wasn't an old person who the voice belonged to, but a young bloke with about ten of his mates.

As it went dark again I heard a load splat followed but two even louder screams followed by uproarous laughter, as the two girls suddenly ran out into the road covered with what looked like a mixture of egg, flower and water. The laughter continued as girls ran back down the road towards their house. 

I was about to follow them when I was distracted by a noise... obviously some other people out that night had heard the girls' screams and come running. I started walking towards where the noise was coming from when suddenly I saw two other boys step out into the road: one wearing a skull mask and the other a bin liner and holding a torch. 

I recognised them straight away.

"Pledge!" one of them shouted.

I never ran so fast in my life.

I'm sorry but I couldn't help myself:

OMG I have just had the most SHEER week off ever! It went SO slowly and I still feel like its Sunday today when it ain't: it's Saturday fam.

Well it all began last week when I quit my job in Camden and got a new one doing something better in the city. On Friday me and Ola were gonna go out on the lash up London but decided instead to go home, with a take-no-prisoners attitude.

On Saturday, Ola picked me up then sheer drove me Bluewater where she had the RIGHT FUCKIN HUMP cos some mug had nicked her coat when she was out on the lash the week before.  I tried to soothe her with Sushi, but she screwed even harder when she ordered two dishes and one took fucking ages to come and she didn't get the other one at all. (Sheer complained to the manager cos it takes the piss)

We then went to see Robin Hood which was sheer. Not as good as Gladiator but Ola liked it cos it was very realistic and Russell Crowe is still looking BUFF ten years after Gladiator.

I can't even remember what I did on Sunday but I know it was sheer.

Monday

Monday, I got up, and went round LAB's where we absolutely caned Mario Bros Wii World 9. We did this by getting all the Dragon Coins from each World which unlocked the corresponding level. LAB screwed however when Mia got home and kept getting in her way when she was trying to get the last coin in The Passion Castle at the end of World 3.

There was also a Spider she sucked up with the hoover:

Tuesday

I got up on Tuesday, and went to meet Emma for lunch, but sheer text Nat Nat as well who then turned up with Jodie. I met Emma outside her work in Bromley and cuddled her work colleague who I don't even know, then Nat Nat and Jodie turned up and we sheer went Lloyd's where I ordered a massive burger I didn't even eat.

After lunch we were gonna go Primark but I started in Sports World on the way cos I wanted to buy a purple hoodie but they didn't have one I liked so I ordered one on line which still ain't turned up screwin.

We then went Shopping and started walking all round The Glades until I took a picture of Nat Nat and Jodie lying on some bed when a security guard came over and asked us to delete the pictures we'd just taken. That's fair enough but he then asked to see the last picture I'd taken on my phone which is going to far so I told him to fuck off.

Howard then came and met us and we went Greggs then ate it in Churchill Gardens bare.

Wednesday I can't remember the first bit but I think it involved texting Ola asking her if I would get away with going out in roll up Jeans.

I can't remember what else happened but I know LAB text me again so I went back round there where her pets and kittens continued to climb all over me.

When Mia got home from school, the TV licensing man turned up to see LAB, and while he was talking to her in the hallway, we kept sending Layla out to shout "long ting!" which was fucking hysterical! Me and Mia were PISSING ourselves laughing. We were then gonna get her to go out and say "mummy tell that man to go away" but he went so she called Louisa a pussyole instead.

After this Kat then turned up which was jokes. She wanted to go Costco in Croydon and I wanted to go as well but couldn't because of Paul - so we hatched a plan for me to meet them in the next road which I did and drove them there. 

I spent £50 in there and bought sheer scampi, chocolate and ice cream (some of which LAB tried to nick which is a fucking liberty).

Thursday

Woke up, remembered that Emma was on half day and also knew from night before that Kat sat opposite her at work. We were supposed to go and lay around in a park but the weather was pony so went went Bingo instead! Didn't win anything though :-(

After Bingo I went to see my other cousin Rachel (AKA RAB). She told me all kinds of off key shit before I caned her at Connect 4 - with Power Chips!

I then went home, cooked my dinner and watched Friday the 13th on my own which was a really fucking stupid thing to do because I was absolutely fucking shitting myself after.

Friday

I woke up gutted to a text from Lisa inviting me to The George in Hayes the night before which I'd only just seen, but anguish soon turned to mirth when Lisa decided to take a half day and get the train back to Beckenham (why she decided to go to work on a Friday when she came back from holiday on a Thursday is totally beyond me - even JIM thought it was gay).

Anyway in no time we were in Rascasse in Beckenham where I ordered this:

Anyway then Lisa's brother and his bird turned up and we all decided to have a BBQ (me and Lisa's brother actually decided this on the phone in Rascasse - but she doesn't need to know that).

The funniest bit of the whole night is when me, Mantlepeice and Princess Loni were fucked and I thought Princess had said, "me wanna go Poosy Town!" she didn't but I thought she did. Anyway Sarah was FUCKED so we blatantly got her to say it out the patio doors on a propa random:

Yeah so anyway that was JOKES and that was my quality long week off. Sheer more happened but I can't tell you cos its out of order but the morale of the tale is to book time off work now and then even if you're not going away anywhere cos its good for you AND make sure you watch Jersey Shore cos its fucking wicked.

Today

I am going to Lewis's homecoming tonight which I'm excited about because I haven't seen her since 2008 but I'm also annoyed because there's some pricks going. It doesn't matter though cos if they piss me off I'll just go home init.

Gem Star is also hassling me to go out and get drunk NOW with her and Ta Lia in some pub garden when I can't because if I do by tonight I will be absolutely ruined.

Finally while I've been writing this my Purple Nike Hoody turned up which is just the icing on the cake cos I didn't even know they delivered on Saturday and it is LUSH, SHEER comfortable my favourite colour and makes me look like a cross between Robin Hood and a Jedi Knight.

Perfect end to a perfect week off.

C x

Thank FUCK Russell Crowe can speak with an English accent! I have never forgiven Kevin Costner!!!

Oh my God.

I cannot believe the run of weekends I have been having lately, but I can't complain because over Xmas I hardly went out at all, and didn't see anyone for time.

This weekend actually began on Thursday when Ola decided to try and get everyone out in Narm. I insisted on going home first, because I stunk and had sheer stuff in my bag so - even though I blatantly ran into Lisa Clare Reece-Johns in heels outside Beckenham Junction station, I still minced to the bus stop, got changed, picked up my new driving licence then walked (or minced) down to O'Neill's.

When I arrived I saw Adam French (Frenchie) sitting at a table with Ola and Lisa with the notious black and yellow stripped Fred Perry shirt which I had nearly worn myself only it had a stain on it. I then proceeded to buy a Magners after which two new people turned up!!! (well up for meeting new people!) They were Ta Lia and Gemma (who likes to be called Gemstar) who Lisa knows cos they are friends with Sarah Mantle (AKA Mantlepiece) who is Lisa's sister-in-law.

We all had a few drinks and ordered some vegan tapas (cos of Ola) then all went to Rascasse where we drank and frolicked until about half past ten only I got the hump cos there were three other gay men in there giving me dirty looks cos I was hanging around and having a laugh with straight people including two straight blokes - they're just jealous cos they can't jam with straight blokes the way I can - bitches.

Anyway Friday got off to an absolutely ridiculous start. Basically, the plan was for everyone to meet at Ola's only me and Lisa were running late, so I offered to go and pick her up and bring her back to mine where we could get the bus to Ola's only when I got to her she revealed that we have to pick up yet another new bird 'Princess' Loni Stevens. The only problem was, I was in my mum's car which had the two kids seats in the back so had to unbuckle one, turn it upside down and put it on the other.

After picking up Loni (who was VERY excited to meet me seeing as I am a bit of a FACE in Beckenham at the moment - and Bromley for that matter) Lisa then revealed that we needed to drop her in The Goose before driving back to mine and getting the bus into Beckenham. She then phoned Ola at which point the plan changed to dropping Loni off, picking up Ola and Bjork, then driving back to mine to get the bus into Beckenham. This was, until, Lisa realised that, due to the child seats there was only room for three in the car, so the plan changed again to dropping both Loni and Lisa off before driving to Ola's picking up her and Bjork before dropping the car back at mine before all getting the bus into Beckenham.

Confused? You will be!

Upon arriving at Ola's she demanded to know what the FUCK was going on and I told her how stupid this was driving them all the way back to mine just to have the get the bus back into Narm. Ola suggested leaving the car at hers but it was my Mum's car and she needed it in the morning for the children who were staying at our house, not to mention the fact that she didn't even know I had taken her car. Bjork then suggested all driving back to mine, including her in her car then driving back to hers as she lives right on the high street. I accepted this proposal seeing as the outcome would result in everyone's car being at home and us finally ending up in Beckenham.

When we arrived at Slug & Lettuce Frenchie was standing outside flanked by an assemblage of rather handsome and muscular friends. I tried to explain to him what happened but it was a bit too much for him to deal with in his present state so I went inside to find that Lisa and Loni were still in there but her brother Adam and his bird Sarah had already gone back to theirs and I'd missed them :-( After much deliberation I had two options: Go Bridge Bar and get bang on it with Ola, Bjork and Frenchie, or go back to Adam and Sarah's flat in The Oasis.

To be honest, even though I was already out, I was really in the mood for a house party (or flat party in this case) plus I knew I was getting BANG on it with Ola the following night up Bromley for Jodie's 25th, so decided to go to Adam & Sarah's with Lisa. I broke the news to Ola and she seemed to take it well even though I thought she was secretly screwing HARD, but we both made the point that this was meant to be her night out with Bjork anyway, and me and Lisa had just been extras.

Anyway I went outside and Loni played a cruel trick on me saying that Lisa had already gone when she was standing behind me, then we all got in the cab and were soon on our way to Adam & Sarah at The Oasis, a beautiful complex of apartments with grounds and an indoor communal swimming pool, all opposite The Tamasha where I have been for my birthday and Justin's Stag Do. Upon arrival I found Sarah (who was stoked cos she hadn't seen me for time) in her bedroom drinking wine and Vodka with three other birds I vaguely recognised, who introduced me to her delightful pair of ginger kittens (putting my love for all things ginger up yet another notch).

In the kitchen I found Adam looking like a gangster in a TM Lewin suit, Jeremy who I ain't seen since last summer and their bearded buddy Alex. After drinking half a bottle of Vodka I went to the toilet where I ran into none other than Gemstar! (Who I had only met the night before) Squealing with delight at seeing me again, she proceeded to drag me by the hand through a hidden door, through the secret lounge kitted out with plasma screen and leather recliners, out the patio doors and into the night...

Sneaking through the darkness we found ourselves in a beautiful communal garden overlooked by all the apartments at the front. Silently, Gemstar lead me to a fountain surrounded by benches and a large canopy before sparking up and proceeding to tell me all about herself. While she did I increasingly likened our situation to that of the opening sequence of a horror film, at which point we both jumped out of our skins and even held hands as we noticed a sinister figure 'watching' us from the other side of the communal pool...

Fortunately this figure wasn't actually watching us at all and was soon joined by some bird and another bloke before all three stripped off for a midnight swim. Fortunately at this point Adam, Lisa's burly brother swaggered over asking if we wanted any more alcohol from the petrol garage before it shuts. Me and Gemstar decided to go back inside with him, before our presence became too hard to resist by any serial killers hiding in the bushes.

We then proceeded to go back across the road to purchase more alcohol. I purchased two bottles of Jaques Fruit Cider while Lisa and Gemstar bought sheer wine, all the while ripping the piss out of the cashiers without them realising. It was at this point that I noticed a tall, rather handsome man in jeans, loafers and a jumper standing behind Lisa and Gemstar. Instantly recognising him they leapt on him while I looked on confused. Afterwards Lisa explain he was one of three blokes her and Gemstar went to school with who beat up anyone who tried it on with Lisa and bought her a card, perfume and earrings every year. Bless. He was quite handsome though.

Talking of handsome men, I was soon back in the kitchen with Adam, Jeremy and Alex were we proceeded to talk for time while I did a whole load of other stuff I can't really mention on here, while the kittens played with a strip of denim hanging off my jeans. I managed to last until about 2am after I'd drunk both bottles of cider more vodka and done some other stuff when Lisa ordered me a cab which turned out to be a seven seater that charged me a tenner just to drive me down the road to Beckenham. Screwin.

The next day I was awoken by the excited screams and squeals of delight by my niece and nephew (who were staying with us while my sister and Stuart were at a wedding oop north) splashing around in the bath. After the din subsided I slept for several more hours until I was awoken by a text from Ola saying she was in Bromley shopping for an outfit to wear that night. Hearing this news, I sprang out of bed and went up Bromley to join her (in my car this time) where she told me she had gone after party round some girls house with some of Frenchie's handsome and muscular friends. 

I saw some shirt in BANK but didn't think it would fit me so looked in Burton's but didn't like anything they hard plus was hungry so we went El Patio and had some FAT sea food tapas!!! It was fuckin lush! We had crab meat, calamari rings, mussels, prawn cocktail, seafood paella and a whole load of other stuff, while we had a very interesting and rather deep conversation about a former work colleague of mine. Afterwards, I decided to go back to BANK to try the purple cheque shirt on and it fit after all so I bought it.

I then blatantly went home, had powernap, then washed, put me new shirt on and got the bus to Ola's where there was some dickhead talking and laughing loudly on his phone. When I got there we were going to drink vodka but instead decided to just leave straight away, and got the bus all the way from clockhouse up to Bromley. When we arrived in Lloyds I found Howard, Pip (Horward's Brother) and another new man I had never seen before, but before I had a chance to speak to them I was leapt on from behind by Jodie, who then introduced the mistery man as Kane, the father of two of her kids who I had heard loads about, and it seems had heard just as much about me.

I drank cider and looked around at the various posers - it was strange cos the blokes in there were such show offs I almost felt like I was in Essex! This one dude came swaggering in with a skinhead wearing an armani tshirt that was so tight you could see all of his muscles which looked a bit silly because it actually was two sizes two small for him and was stretching round his back and making his pecs stick right out (not that I minded though) and everyone else there seemed to be really over the top pumped up muscly with mohican style hair cuts, tight tshirts, jeans, tattoos and white trainers. Is that what men think women find attractive these days then? Cos I think that is more likely to attract me before any female.

Anyway Ola was itching to get the train to Beckenham and go Bridge Bar and so was Emma and Jodie only we needed to get there before half nine otherwise we'd have to pay to get in. In the end we didn't go cos Pip had trainers on and none of them had any money - so we all opted to go back to Emma's and get FUCKED instead!!!

Downing the rest of my cider we all went outside and waited for Kane and Howard (who had sneaked off with me phone) all the while as people kept asking me for fags and a lighter when I clearly don't smoke. Finally they came back but we only had money for one cab so the girls took it and I walked with Howard and Kane. Amazingly enough the two men lead me down the back of Bromley South station to a lamp lit archway under the dual carriage way that lead into The Glades, beyond which I could see the houses and street lamps of a residential road. I took out my iPhone, brought up Google Maps and realised that it was an absolutely massive shortcut to Emma's house and we would be there in less than 10 minutes.

While we walked to Emma's, me, Howard and Kane did something really, really naughty which sent Kane absolutely loopy running down the street like a nutter which really cracked me up, but made Howard gag. They then started pulling flowers up from the road to give to the girls and I got scared by some massive off key iron sculpture in somebodies front garden. When we arrived I was starting to feel it a little bit but was no where near as far gone as Howard and Kane so was a bit disappointed.

Anyway, when we arrived at Emma's I went and sat with Ola and was in no time absolutely buzzing out of my fucking trolly which was quite funny, and went round the room cuddling everyone telling them how much I love them. Ola, however was absolutely fucking knackered from the night before she was so tired she could barely keep her eyes open. Fortunately Michael, Emma and Nat Nat's sexy brother turned up (in a really nice maroon jumper) and was going back to Beckenham so offered to drive us home.

When I got in I was still really out of it and started sending Ola sheer lovetexts until about 2am until I passed out. Curiously, I actually woke up the next day in my bed naked with my knob in my hand with no memory of how I got there which was a bit scary but after a couple of pints of water followed by a full English Breakfast I felt much better and thankfully the sprogs had gone home by this point so it was nice and quiet.

So anyway that was my fun and eventful weekend! I am SO excited about next week because its my birthday and even though I'm going to be 31 (boo!) I'm going cinema with Ola during the day then lovely meal with Lisa and Ola that night before going out in Narm to get smashed so is bound to be eventful!!!

Sheer will post again next weekend.

C x

I have just had the most sheer weekend of this year so far. I said I had high hopes for this weekend, but I didn't know it was gonna be this out of order!

The 'trouble' (if you can call it that) all began first thing on Friday morning when I text Lisa wishing her a happy birthday and asking her if she wanted to meet for lunch. Not expecting a reply (she'd been out with Ali the night before to a comedy show her sister was appearing in) I was absolutely delighted when she text back saying she was up for going to the Mountain Range in Coney Hall near the Nut House (Nash House).

In no time I was in the car on my way to Hayes, where I picked her and Ali up and drove them to The Mountain Range where I had an £18 fillet steak 'hot rock' which basically consisted of chips, raw veg and a fat peice of steak served with a hot stone to cook it on. You basically put peices of steak and onions on the hot stone and watched as they cooked in front of you before devouring them revenously.

During the meal I revealed that I had a free house at which point we decided to go back to mine and watch New Moon, but in stead we went on a 12 hour alcohol fulled games marathon which lasted 12 hours until 4 o'clock in the morning. We played Sequence, Chalenj and many many other games but Ali (in her drunken state) absolutely loved Chalenj cos of the physical challenges, so much so, that in the end she actually won.

In the morning, I cooked them both a fat breakfast then dropped them back at Lisa's before deciding to drive to Brighton for the second night of Nat Nat's hen weekend, because I knew Ali needed a lift down there too and was still too smashed to get the train. So, after making myself look fabulous, I went back round Lisa's picked Ali up and drove down to Brighton where I dropped her off outside some pub before parking on the sea front near the pier.

It is WELL good in Brighton! I found the travel lodge and walked right along the beach and all up through the town where there were sheer restaurants and bars and stuff. I'm definitely going back down there in Summer for a night out. Anyway I finally found the restaurant called El Mexicano where Nat Nat's Mum and step mum (Kerry and Kim) where putting up ballons and stuff, and told me that Nat Nat had no idea I was gonna be there and it was a surprise.

I bought them both a drink then we waited for Nat Nat to turn up. When she came in and saw us, she went absolutely fucking mental as did the rest of the girls and started making so much noise that the manager told them to keep it down. Anyway I had some massive prawn cocktail and a FAT steak then we did some "how well do you know the bride" quiz.

After the meal we left the restaurant (screwin as well cos the manager was a cunt and blatantly wanted us to go cos they were making too much noise) and went Yates's which was rammed but lovely cos there was another bar upstairs with a big seating area where Nat Nat opened all her presents and I signed her tshirt with: "Just remember: oral makes his day, but anal makes his whole week! Luv Christoff".

The biggest shock of the night was Tony, the handsome bouncer from Beckenham, was on the door of Yates's in Brighton! What are the chances of that? He even recognised me as well and asked how I was! I know I'm hard to forget but still fancy driving all the way to Brighton only to see a bouncer from your home town? Anyway the girls wanted me to go back to the hotel with them, get BANG on it and stay there with them but after I picked up my car there was nowhere to park and it was absolutely fucking PISSING it down with rain HARD which gave me the hump so I drove home.

On Sunday I just recovered cos I was knackered and slept, watched DVDs and ate steak all day but my cousin came round to see me, then today she rung me saying she had just walked past my house (her flat at the end of the road next to my house) saying she was gonna invite me down for a fat fry up but I didn't answer but did I wanna go Bluewater. I hadn't been Bluewater for ages so we sheer went!

I bought 4 tops in next which was a bit extravagant plus this stupid woman was in the changing rooms bossing her husband about like a child which was fucking pissing me off plus I nearly messed up my hair as well. I nearly bought two tops in Madhouse as well but they were skin tight and I'm too fat to get away with it plus very nearly bought an Armani Polo shirt, Fred Perry Shirt and purple cardigan but I held myself back.

We then went John Lewis to look at games and bedding before going down to Waitrose and buying shit loads of steak, scampi and potatoes. We then tried to find the car but couldn't so Rachel smoked a fag then we found it and drove back before walking down to hers where she cooked me some LUSH surf & turf with home made chips followed by some lush chocolate cheese cake.

So anyway that was my Easter weekend sheer eventful but obviously a lot more out of order stuff happened that I can't tell you but I'm sure you can use your imagination; and to think my family wanted me to go caravan with then down East Grinstead! Don't fink so!!! Plus sheer looking forward to my birthday in two weeks when we're going Sea Salt!!! Anyway I'll leave you with some rauncy dancing from Nat Nat's Hen Night. Enjoy!

Sometimes in life we want things; even though we know they are no good for us. We want them so badly that they are always on our mind no matter where we go or what we do; they are the first thing we think of the moment we wake up and the last thing we think of before we go to sleep at night. No matter how hard we try, we just cannot shake the feelings off, even though we know it is slowly killing us inside. Nothing you want that badly will do you any good, yet in all our rationale we still crave them. Sometimes we may even try and shut things out of our lives because we know how dangerous they can be and how they will destroy us long term, yet we still give in knowing how just the slightest lapse in self control will set us back months; maybe even years.

In spite of all of this, I am still going to the kitchen now to make myself some HENCH fry up; and it shall be greasy my children... oh so so greasy!!!

Well I said I was going to try and write on here more cos I know people read it.

I'm sorry that I haven't written on here for time, but SO much has happened I just ain't had a chance!

Sheer annoyed that I didn't post anything about Becca's birthday (which was FUCKING WICKED) and my new job but I will try as soon as I get my iPhone sorted out cos now it won't let me use it as a harddrive for some reason so can't get the pix and vids off it screwin.

I can't believe I'm gonna be 31 soon...